


My Fair Draco or: Gryffindors Are From Mars, Slytherins Are From Venus

by DarkVictory



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Hilarity Ensues, M/M, harry tries to make draco malfoy nicer, it goes about as well as you'd expect, my fair lady parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:12:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkVictory/pseuds/DarkVictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of My Fair Lady in which Harry tries to make Draco nicer and it goes about as well as you'd expect</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Fair Draco or: Gryffindors Are From Mars, Slytherins Are From Venus

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on livejournal on April 3, 2003. YEAH. LIVEJOURNAL. 2003. Thought all of my Harry Potter fics were lost forever but recently tried logging into lj on a whim and it was all still there. Section titles are lines from My Fair Lady.

**********

**_She's so deliciously low...so horribly dirty._ **

 

"Why do I sometimes feel like I'm your dirty little secret?" Draco asked suddenly.

"Er...I dunno," Harry said nervously. "Why would you think that?"

"Well, I'm not sure..." Draco said thoughtfully. "Maybe it's the fact that we're on your bed with a locking charm on the curtains and a silencing charm on the entire bed." Draco propped himself up on his elbow and glared down at Harry.

Harry's eyes widened innocently. "I just want us to have some privacy."

"Why, so we can _not_ have sex?" Draco said dryly.

Harry stared at him, eyes thinned.

"Fine. But we are going to talk about why you're so bloody embarrassed of me."

"I'm--"

"Come on, Harry,” Draco continued blithely. "We're out, everyone knows about us, yet you still insist we meet in secret, you won't let me _near_ your friends--"

"Well, what about your friends?" Harry sat up, folding his arms.

Draco's eyes narrowed. "I've tried to make you hang out with my friends, you _hate_ my friends."

"And you hate mine! Why on earth would you even want to be near them?"

"I don't _want_ to be near them." Draco flopped on the bed in exasperation. "You think it’s easy for me to show my face in your sickeningly cheery common room? I just hate sneaking around and quite unfortunately, not sneaking around means I have to be near your friends occasionally. So there it is."

"Boy, that really makes me want to bring you around the Gryffindor common room."

"Harry!" Draco whined. "We told everyone about us for a _reason_ and yet we're still spending time in abandoned classrooms and locked beds, and using the bloody invisibility cloak to sneak me in here! Now I want to know why you're so embarrassed of me." He paused. "I'm not embarrassed of you, even though you're terrible for my image," he said honestly.

"I'm not embarrassed," Harry began cautiously. "I'm just...worried."

Draco looked thoroughly confused. "About what?"

"Well...you hate my friends. My friends hate you. Sooo...I can't imagine it would be very much fun to have you all together."

"True. I'm sure your friends would be quite rude to me."

"I'm sure _they_ would make every attempt to be civil," Harry said through clenched teeth.

Draco gaped wordlessly for a couple of seconds. "I can be civil to your stupid friends!"

"Yeah, calling them stupid is a big step in the right direction."

Draco suddenly sat up and attempted to yank back the locked curtains.

Harry's eyes widened. "What are you doing?"

Draco tugged harder. "Let's go, Harry, right now. Downstairs. Let's go down to your stupid common room and I will prove to you how damn civil I can be."

"Draco...please don't."

"How on earth do you unlock these curtains?"

"This can't possibly end well," Harry groaned.

"Of course it will," Draco said confidently. "You underestimate me. I mean, how hard can it be to exchange a few simple civil words with your bloody do-gooder friends?

 

**_I ain't dirty! I washed my face and hands before I come, I did._ **

 

Harry sat on his bed with his arms folded and his mouth set in a firm line. He refused to look at Draco, who was fidgeting at the end of the bed.

Draco opened and closed his mouth a few times but remained silent. He waved a hand in front of Harry's face and then scowled when he got no response. "You act as if this is all my fault."

Harry's eyes widened at that but he still wouldn't look at Draco.

"Okay, I...I mean, I'm...well, I guess...you know?"

Harry closed his eyes and shook his head.

Draco sighed. "Okay, well...I probably shouldn't have called Finnigan a brainless Welsh git. But really, he had it coming." Harry remained unimpressed. "And yeah, calling Granger a Mudblood was probably going a bit too far. But she slapped me, so I think that one evens out." Harry glared murderously at Draco. "And okay, I _really_ didn't plan on making any comments about Weasley's pitiful family, but that sweater he was wearing was just _screaming_ for it." Draco screwed up his face in thought for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, that covers it. So we're good now, right?"

"Are you mad?!" Harry exploded. "Do you seriously think that makes everything better?! Is that what passes for an apology in your world?!"

"Eww, is _that_ what I was doing? Apologizing?!"

Harry threw his hands in the air. " I shouldn't have to assume you feel sorry, I shouldn’t.” He focused on the bedspread, muttering more to himself than Draco. “Up until now, I've just forgiven you without apologies. I know that, because you scrunch up your face in that weird way that looks like you're in pain and it means you're sorry, or at least as close as you can come to feeling sorry, but..." Harry looked sad for a moment, then shook his head. “And you expect us to last when you can't even--" Harry scoffed bitterly.  
  
"Um, I think maybe you're blowing a few insults to your friends a _bit_ out of proportion. Isn't there some Muggle saying about how love means never having to say you're sorry?" Draco asked hopefully.

"It's bullshit," Harry said flatly. "Besides, we're not in love, are we? I could see us being together for, like, fifty years without you ever saying it, without ever admitting that you really care about me or that I'm important to you. You'd probably just say something about how you had no one better to do," Harry said witheringly.

"That _does_ sound like something I'd say," Draco said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, well, it makes me wonder why I'm bothering with you at all. Especially when you don't seem too keen on putting much effort into this," Harry said sadly, getting up from the bed.

"No!" Draco said in a panicked voice. "No, Harry, please, don't think that." He grabbed Harry's arm. "I can work on this. Help me?"

 

**_I'll make a duchess of this draggle-tailed guttersnipe._ **

 

Harry rubbed his face wearily and pushed his glasses up on his nose. "Okay. Let's try this again, and _please_ , try to curb the profanity." Draco smiled innocently, while Ron snickered. " _Both_ of you." Ron's grin faded. "And please let's try to actually get past the initial introduction this time."

Harry sighed. "Draco, I'd like to introduce you to a friend of mine. This is Ron Weasley. Ron, this is Draco Malfoy."

Ron stuck out his hand with a scowl on his face. Draco looked at Harry nervously, and Harry gave him a reassuring nod. Draco shook Ron's hand with a grimace.

"Nice to meet you," Ron said reluctantly.

"Uh...likewise?" Draco replied skeptically.

"Good, that's good. Keep going," Harry prompted.

"What else am I supposed to say?"

"You've just met. You're trying to get to know each other, so you...?" Draco shrugged. "You ask him questions, Draco, remember? Try some of the questions we rehearsed earlier."

"Oh! I know this!" Draco said excitedly. "Lesse...um...what are your hobbies?"

"I like Wizard's Chess," Ron said apprehensively while Draco nodded interestedly. "And Quidditch--"

"You?! Quidditch?!" Draco barked. "Do you even _have_ a broom? Or does your mum need it for the housework?"

Harry winced as Ron's face went bright red.

"You little bas--"

 

**_The streets will be strewn with the bodies of men, shooting themselves for your sake, before I'm done with you._ **

 

"All right, we're going to try this with Hermione this time, Draco, and I swear to you, if you say the word 'Mudblood' even _once_ , this entire thing is over." The steely glint in Harry's eyes was enough indication that he was deadly serious.

Draco attempted to smile weakly and it ended up as more of a grimace. Hermione looked quite apprehensive but offered Draco a small smile anyways.

Harry took a deep breath. "Draco, this is Hermione Granger. Hermione, this is Draco Malfoy."

"Pleased to meet you," Hermione said politely, extending her hand.

"Likewise!" Draco said triumphantly, shaking Hermione's hand vigorously and looking proudly at Harry.

"So," Hermione began. "What's your favorite subject in school?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Of course, leave it to Granger to talk about school." Harry cleared his throat loudly. "I mean...Potions."

"Is that something you think you might pursue in the future, post-Hogwarts?"

"I dunno," Draco said uncertainly. "Never really thought about it. I mean, until Harry got rid of You Know Who, my future pretty much consisted of a career in Death-Eating."

"You should be thinking about your future!" Hermione exclaimed. "We're in our sixth year! We have to take the NEWTs next year and that's a huge part of determining your career!"

"Well, I guess I'd like to do something with Potions...I guess," Draco said hesitantly.

"What exactly would you like to do in the field of Potions?" Hermione prompted. "Research? Working for the Department of Potions at the Ministry of Magic? Or perhaps even teaching?"

"Uh, Hermione..." Harry broke in, looking nervously at Draco's frightened expression.

"Or you could work for one of those new potions corporations, developing new potions. Or start your own apothecary business--you know, there's an empty storefront in Diagon Alley that would be perfect for a new potions store. It's right in between Quality Quidditch Supplies and Flourish & Blotts. I bet the rent wouldn't be too high. Do you have a trust fund? You do have _some_ sort of financial security in place for post-graduation, don't you?"

"Harry," Draco whimpered, clutching at Harry's robes. "She's scaring me."

 

**_I've got my feelings, same as anyone else._ **

 

"This time, it's just me and you," Harry said, sitting across the table from Draco. "We're going to do a bit of role-playing--"

"Oooh, can I be the stern professor and you be the naughty student?" Draco asked excitedly. "No, wait! I want to be the arrogant master of the house and you be the saucy French maid!"

"No! Not _that_ kind of role playing," Harry said, blushing furiously. "We're going to do the same sort of thing we tried with Ron and Hermione, but with just us instead. We're going to pretend we've never met, introduce ourselves, and have a conversation."

"That seems an awful lot like a step backward," Draco said suspiciously.

"It is," Harry said bluntly. "We're just going to practice your conversational skills before trying you out on someone else again."

"All right," Draco said grudgingly. "But can you still be a saucy French maid?"

"No."

"Fine."

Harry cleared his throat and extended his hand. "Hello, I'm Harry Potter."

"Draco Malfoy." Draco raised an eyebrow and shook Harry's hand, rubbing his thumb over Harry's.

"Stop that," Harry hissed, yanking his hand away. "Pleased to meet you."

"Likewise," Draco smirked.

"So, what are your--"

"Let's talk about you," Draco interrupted, leaning forward and propping his chin on his hands.

"Draco," Harry groaned. "Don't interrupt, I warned you about that. It's rude."

"Duly noted, I'll keep that in mind for next time," Draco said as he rolled his eyes. "Now, tell me about your love life--er..Harry, was it?" Draco said innocently.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "I'm in a relationship right now...but I'm not sure how much longer I'll be in it." He smirked triumphantly.

Draco scowled. "That's sad. Do you think your boyfriend might leave you because you won't put out?"

"No, I might leave my boyfriend because he's insensitive."

"What on earth ever made you think I would be sensitive?" Draco asked curiously.

Harry let out a moan and laid his head carefully on the table. He spoke without lifting his head. "I'll be honest with you, Draco, and I am only going to say this once and we will no longer discuss the subject of--as you so quaintly call it--my frigidity. I won't sleep with you until I'm sure you actually care about me." He lifted his head. "And no, I'm still not sure of that." He rubbed his face tiredly and got up to leave. "We'll practice more later, okay?"

He didn't see the crestfallen look on Draco's face.

 

**_Well, I never thought she'd clean up so good-looking._ **

 

"It's _very_ nice to meet you, Ginny," Draco said loudly. He glanced towards an isolated corner of the Gryffindor common room, where Harry had been studiously reading _Gryffindors Are From Mars, Slytherins Are From Venus_ but was now staring curiously at Draco.

"Nice to meet you, too," Ginny mumbled, blushing.

"I understand you have a real knack for Transfiguration," Draco said, watching Harry creep closer out of the corner of his eye.

"Yeah, I guess so." Ginny looked pleadingly at Hermione, who nodded encouragingly from her position at Ginny's side.

"Amazing. Transfiguration isn't one of my stronger points, I must admit," Draco said pleasantly.

Harry's jaw dropped and he leapt out from behind a chair, pointing accusingly at Draco. "You! What are you?...I mean...you're not nice!" he blurted.

"That's a very rude thing to say, Harry," Draco said matter-of-factly.

"You're calling _me_ rude?!" Harry screeched.

"Harry," Hermione broke in. "Draco was doing quite well--"

"Why on earth are _you_ helping him?!"

"I asked her," Draco said simply.

" _I've_ been trying to help you for the past two weeks with very little progress!" Harry said angrily.

"I tried this old Muggle trick I read about," Draco said proudly. "I just pictured Hermione and Ginny naked."

Hermione slapped Draco before she even had a chance to think about it, and Ginny fled the room, staring determinedly at the floor.

Draco put a hand to his face and looked at Harry. "Harry! She hit me!" he protested.

"Don't look at me for sympathy, I'm a heartbeat away from hitting you myself."

"Oh please, it's not like I _enjoyed_ thinking about naked girls."

 

**_It's the new small talk, you do it so awfully well._ **

 

"This time, there will be no picturing Hermione naked," Harry said firmly to Draco. Draco smiled and looked Harry up and down. "Or anyone else, Draco," Harry sighed. "All right, since you were doing so well yesterday, let's see you try another conversation with Hermione." Harry smiled smugly at Draco's frightened and wary expression.

"So, Draco," Hermione began. "As per our previous discussion, have you given any more thought to your plans for the future?"

"Not...really. I, I didn't think I was going to be tested on it--"

"That's all right, but do think about it soon. You have to get an early start on these things. I've already started applying to wizarding colleges for early acceptance."

"Do you think of _anything_ besides school, Granger? No wonder you and Weasley haven't sealed the deal yet."

"But have you thought about the rest of your future?" Hermione continued, ignoring Draco's remark.

"The...rest?"

"The _rest_." Hermione glanced pointedly at Harry.

Understanding dawned on Draco's face. "Oh...uh.." He glanced at Harry, who made an attempt to look nonchalant about the question but his fidgeting betrayed his curiosity. “That’s one of those things that Harry and I are supposed to discuss together...isn't it?"

"True,” Harry piped in, trying to sound casual. “But I believe Hermione was just inquiring about your own thoughts on the subject."

"Oh yes," Hermione agreed, nodding.

"Well...that's a very complex subject," Draco said casually.

"Do you see marriage in your future with Harry?" Hermione pressed.

"Wait, what, marriage?"

Harry quickly put a hand to his face to cover his smile and widened his eyes innocently when Draco shot him a wild-eyed look.

"It's not legal, even in the wizarding world. But there are commitment ceremonies. Or are you just planning on moving in and living together indefinitely?"

"In the same house?" Draco said, alarmed.

"Well, what, you expect to just _date_ forever?" Hermione scoffed. "You don't expect Harry to hang around forever without _some_ form of commitment, right?"

"I've changed my mind, Harry, I don't mind being your dirty little secret," Draco said in a frightened voice. "Can I stop talking to your friends now? I mean, you don't really expect me to answer that, do you?"

"You'll have to answer _someday_ ," Harry said in a singsong voice. "Someday soon." Harry smiled smugly before strolling away.

"You're doing so well, Draco!" Hermione said brightly. "I think we're getting along famously, don't you?"

 

**_The question is not whether I've treated you rudely but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better._ **

 

Harry held an ice pack to Draco's eye and winced in sympathy. "I honestly can't believe Ron hit you."

"I don't know why, your friends seem to enjoy it," Draco grumbled.

"I asked him to grant you some leeway in the civility department."

"And it worked brilliantly, thanks, Harry!" Draco said with an extremely sarcastic cheeriness.

Harry threw the ice pack down. "I wouldn't have had to ask him and he wouldn't have hit you if you could actually be _completely_ nice and refrain from making any insulting and/or scathing remarks!"

Draco sighed and closed his eyes. And when he opened them, Harry had to check twice before realizing that Draco actually looked miserable. "Look, Harry, I don't know how this all got so big, but honestly...I was just trying to be civil to your friends so you wouldn't feel like you have to hide me. That's _all_. But then it got all..." Draco gestured vaguely in the air. "...you know? And I _thought_ I was making you proud but you're still not satisfied and you're always angry with me now. I don't know what I can do to please you." Harry’s protest went forgotten as Draco met his eyes. "And yeah, I understand the concept of compromise and I _did_ try. You can’t say that I didn’t try. But I feel like you don't want me for _me_ anymore. And I really wish I'd never said anything now." Draco gave Harry a quick kiss on the lips and retrieved the ice pack from the floor before leaving Harry's dormitory.

"Okay, _now_ I'm in favour of love meaning never having to say you're sorry," Harry said aloud to the empty room.

 

**_I sold flowers; I didn't sell myself. Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else._ **

 

Harry found Draco sitting on a bench in the courtyard, talking to Hermione, and surprisingly, neither of them looked angry or scared. They both looked up as Harry approached. Draco said nothing but his jaw was tightly clenched.

"Well," Hermione said uncomfortably. "I'll bring you that Transfiguration book at dinner, Draco. And thanks for your help." Hermione got up and gave an awkward wave of goodbye.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "You helped Hermione?"

"She was having some problems with her Potions essay," Draco replied shortly.

"I can't decide what's more surprising," Harry said, sitting down next to Draco. "That she actually _needed_ help, or that you actually helped her." Harry's brow furrowed. "Or that when she needed help, she came to you."

"She remembered that I'm good at Potions," Draco said icily. "And she was quite friendly. We get along famously," he said, without a trace of irony.

A small smile tugged at the corners of Harry's mouth. "Does this mean you've changed your mind about Muggles and Mudbloods?"

"About Muggles, no, they're still vermin. Not so keen on the Mudbloods either, but Granger's okay."

"Wow. I guess you really have been trying to get along with my friends," Harry said carefully.

"I thought that was obvious," Draco said quietly.

Harry sighed. "I know you've been trying, it's just--"

"It's just that it's not good enough for you," Draco finished. "It's like you're more embarrassed of me now than ever."

"No!" Harry said, startled. "No, no, that's not it. I mean, at first, I kinda was and it made me think that if I was afraid to bring you around my friends then we couldn't possibly last--"

"You're breaking up with me?"

"Would you stop interrupting?!"

"Oh, excuse me, I forgot, Harry Potter's idea of a perfect boyfriend never interrupts," Draco said nastily.

"I don't want a perfect boyfriend, I want you!"

"...I'm not sure whether I should be happy or insulted."

"You should be happy. I mean, it shouldn't come as any shock to you that you're not perfect--"

"Nope, I'm definitely insulted."

"What I mean is, nobody's perfect. Least of all me, and it was stupid of me to try to change you."

"Yes, it _was_ very stupid of you," Draco said solemnly. Harry scowled and Draco rolled his eyes. "Oh, fine. I guess I was being kind of stupid, too, with that whole insensitive thing, and I do feel really bad about it."

Harry didn’t say anything for a long time, and when Draco looked over, he noticed Harry perched stiffly at the edge of the bench, staring straight ahead and seemingly trying not to smile.

“Ohhhh no. I just apologized, didn’t I?” Draco looked completely put out. "Huh. I kind of expected that lightning would strike the day a Malfoy apologized. By all rights, I should have burst into flames."

Harry finally grinned and kissed Draco. "It wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I still wouldn't expect me to do it very often, though, if I were you. Or to actually say the word...you know..that apology word."

"We'll see. You may work up to it yet." Harry took Draco's hand and began to get up but Draco pulled him back down.

"Wait, Harry. There's something I want to say." Draco took a deep breath. "I got real panicked about losing you, so even though I don't want to change who I am, I figure I can compromise and do this one thing to make you happy. And because I want to!" he added quickly. Draco sat up straight and cleared his throat as Harry waited curiously. "I _don't_ have anyone better to do." Harry looked confused. "That is, you _are_ important to me, Harry. And I don't want you to leave, so please don't." Draco paused. "Is that good enough for you?" he said helplessly.

Harry smiled. "Yes, it's good enough for me." Draco visibly relaxed. "I know that saying that was an amazing feat for you and I'm _very_ proud." He patted Draco's hand.

Draco glared. "You don't have to get condescending."

"Sorry."

"Does this mean you'll sleep with me now?" Draco asked hopefully.

"I'm thinking about it." Draco's face fell. Harry rolled his eyes. "But I might be persuaded to play a saucy French maid."

**********


End file.
